I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
