Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
