i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
