genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
