My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
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Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
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I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
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