i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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