my mouth tastes like poor choices
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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