I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
What a fucking waste of an outfit
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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