Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
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