i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
