This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
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