So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
