I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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