I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Randomize
