Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Pants are for mortals
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
