I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
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