Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
