So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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