She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize
