It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
