I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
