"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
