I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I am one with the molecules
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Randomize
