I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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