I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
