dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
