We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
