cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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