who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
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