he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
