final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
