My pussy is not your playground.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
