Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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