I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
