she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
They left me at home... I'm a liability
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
