haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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