I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
