just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
