4 words: hood of his car
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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