The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
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