My sheets look like a crime scene.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
