drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
