I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
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