He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
