he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
