East Village: Only place you can play pac man while eating a pineapple hotdog, go to the bar next door and see a graphic blowjob on every tv
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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