It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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