There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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