woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Randomize
