i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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