just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
