Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Randomize
