remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
