You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
