I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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