Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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