i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
All the doctor said was why
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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