i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just gargled with NyQuil
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
