Who wears a wallet chain?!
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize
