I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
