Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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