So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
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Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
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HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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