i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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