Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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