Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
