i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
