I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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